The mind asks itself: “why do I relapse over and over again”?
A tougher question to answer then one might think ..
A few ideas come to the mind, bouncing from wall to wall.
“When one feels betrayed, unimportant, ignored, sad, degraded, abused.. where do I run? Oh! Where do I escape?!” The unbalanced mind shouts.
“Talk to those around you, those you love and that love you” The heart says softly.
“I know I sound pessimistic but talking usually hurts more than anything else. Most of the time I feel like people don’t really understand” The mind answers sadly.
The mind builds another wall.
The mind and heart take a moment to feel the pain.
“I know a way we can stop feeling this pain” The heart says to the mind, almost playfully.
There is a pause.
The mind wanders through its many thoughts for a moment. Contemplating the idea of getting high, of letting the needle pierce through the skin, into the vein and for a moment, not for long, to feel nothing.
“Thats not the answer my unstable, impulsive friend. We can’t do this, we need to learn how to cope with things and construct a life where we don’t want to get high. Paying to die for a little while will only result in feeling guilty- thus more pain.” The mind says to the heart, trying to sound rational, so that together they could figure a way out of this mess.
The heart weeps.
“Ah fuck it. Stop feeling guilty for trying your very best and slipping.
Stop it! Stop it! It’s making me feel heavy and useless.” The heart begs the mind
“I wish I didn’t feel so alone. We are more than misunderstood. I really do wish people could understand the pain of others and stop giving their opinions, espechially when they have no idea what someone is feeling. It’s easy to come up with solutions when you aren’t living through it. They have been brainwashed, the ones that share this world with us. They believe we are evil because we use drugs. They punish us and people like us by ignoring us, telling us what to do (even though they have never been in our shoes). Meanwhile, they don’t believe they are evil for their own addictions. They drink their wine as they look down on us, sometimes on their fourth cigarette or cup of coffee. Others are spending their money on all sorts of things they don’t need.
They all look down upon us.
I feel so small. But of course they know better, they know how to “fix” me, as they go on chasing whatever they are chasing, not seeing for one second that in the end it is all the same.” The mind says with a sigh.
“Fuck them all.” The heart cries.
“So I am hurt, angry and alone. I want to run, but where? Where is the escape button? I can not even sleep anymore, I want to run out of myself, but no matter what I am stuck knowing I can not out run me. Tell me my dear heart…where do I, do I…run?” The mind says begging the heart for answers.
“I know where we can feel better for a little while” The heart says in response.
“Are we horrible?” The mind asks.
“You think we are the only ones looking to run? We just happen to know the best escape route” The heart responds.
“I am hungry” whines the stomach.
“YOU just SHUT THE FUCK UP. We have summer clothes to fit into, to look better in, do you NOT remember what those shorts looked like on you yesterday ?! DO YOU?!” The mind shouts at the stomach with anger and shame.
The heart sheds a tear.
The stomach hides itself back where it belongs and does not utter another single sound.
The fingers almost in robotic fashion start to scroll down the contact list.
“No!!” The mind shouts.
The fingers drop the phone back on the bed.
The heart sinks.
The fingers pick up the phone again.
“yeah, give me 45 minutes” the man says.
“I need to fix this. This can not be how we spend the rest our life.” The mind says in despair.
“No forget it. we CAN change this, we are going to change everything and find the road to happiness, no matter how long it takes.” The mind screams with pride.
“Stop living in your fantasy world. You and I both know the unforgiving grounds we walk on every single day. We are never making it out of this. Look we just called again. We have been trying for years” The heart says bitterly.
“You are scared. We both know it” said the mind, wiping the tears falling down the hearts sides.
“We are lost, aren’t we?” The heart asks the mind through its’ tears.
“I know baby. Welcome to purgatory. We stand on the line of life and death.” The mind whispers into the hearts vessels.