I’ll Always Be There

Its not like I am shocked when you run off and turn your phone off for days because “you can’t handle things right now”.

“Ill always be here for you” you tell me.

Well here I am crying texting and calling you and its 5AM and I’m alone.
Its been over 24hours and not one sign of your existence.

The illusion of your security is a high, as synthetic as any drug.
I am here alone with my thoughts, with nothing but the comfort of cigarette after cigarette.
At the end of the day I will always be alone to manage the pain that arises from the dept of my soul, until the day I die.

You get angry because I can’t trust you.
You make me feel like you are the victim and I should apologize for the fact that you broke my heart time and time again.

But when its 5AM and the weight of the world is on your shoulders.. where am I ?
Reaching for my phone and listening to your every word, putting all my energy into trying to make you feel better.

People tell me I shouldn’t care.
I wont pretend I don’t care when I do
But I am more than you. I don’t ignore people when they’re in pain.
I don’t play games.
Even though I am never surprised when you run off, and clearly I shouldn’t be.
The disappointment in knowing I was right settles in.

However, after all this time I have come to the realization that I don’t think its you I miss.
Nope.
I miss the person I was when I was with you, I missed the couple we were all that time ago, before, before it all. I haven’t been so happy since. I guess seeing your face and hearing your voice mimics a life I so used to love.

Sadly you can’t relive moments, no matter how much you miss them and no matter how hard you try to relive them.